


Jemma Simmons has traumas(Trauma has Jemma Simmons)

by Xxanonymoussoulxx



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Based of a song, F/F, Gen, Inaccurate medical stuff, Jemma Simmons Needs a Hug, Jemma has traumas, Kudos are appreciated but comments are the best, Melinda May cares, Post-Episode: s03e10 Maveth, Psychological Trauma, Seriously she's traumatised, The team needs some hugs, Therapists, This is very dark, Trauma, Tw: self harm(mentioned), Unreliable Narrator, anorexia trigger warning, based off personal experiences, pls leave some
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28408566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xxanonymoussoulxx/pseuds/Xxanonymoussoulxx
Summary: Days went by, therapists arrived and none of them were able to help Jemma. Daisy , May, Coulson and Fitz, even Mack and Yoyo had tired everything they could to help her. She was allowed on missions on which she surprisingly excelled at. Never once , did she falter to shoot, maim or kill.Using the song listen before I go by Billie eilish and written in a haunting of bly manor style. Trigger warnings, please be careful.
Relationships: Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie & Jemma Simmons, Jemma Simmons/Skye | Daisy Johnson, Leo Fitz & Jemma Simmons, Melinda May & Jemma Simmons, Phil Coulson & Jemma Simmons, Will Daniels & Jemma Simmons
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Love is endless.

**Author's Note:**

> This is very dark, I hope you read the tags for trigger warnings also pls comment I love those and should I write one from Daisy's pov with the song Hold on??  
> Song is listen before I go and inspired by haunting of bly manor.

_Take me to the rooftop,  
I wanna see the world before I stop,  
Breathing, turning blue._

Jemma Simmons is not changed . Physically atleast. Mentally it's a concundrum of unsolvable problems that she's too tired to talk about.

If she had thought that getting off the sandy planet would solve her troubles then she couldn't have been more incorrect. For the troubles were rooted deep to her core and being rescued from Maveth was just trimming the leaves.  
But the leaves grew again after the torture she faced at Giyera, the telekinetic's hands. 

Sometimes Dr.Simmons would simply zone out, no matter where she was. She could enter the washroom to shower at 10 but then find herself leaving at 1 am , not having showered but sitting on the toilet seat, thinking.

Then she would sleep, it never came easy , Jemma would pop a sleeping pill into her mouth and just lie down. Darkness eventually engulfed her.

But even then, her nightmares woke her by 3am and then she would walk. All around the base, she would visit the lab , brew coffee which was mostly left cold and untouched and then watch the sunrise. After all was done, she would return to the lab to work.

She didn't want to speak to anyone, but that was not the case with her teammates. They would visit her, bring her food and talk to her. But the best she could ever come up with were weary smiles filled with dread.

_Tell me love is endless,  
Don't be so pretentious,  
Leave me.  
Like you do._

May was concerned, her eyes shone with emotions when she talked to the feeble biochemist, Daisy tried humour to make her talk. Fitz talked about the night, day and the stars, things that she once found immense pleasure in but now she was horribly tired to pay attention.

It always felt like an entity, perhaps the one on Maveth, had a vice like grip on her back and was dragging her deeper into the waters of her depression.

And then the night would fall, Jemma would retreat to shower , spent her time sitting and then she would sleep.  
Then she would wake and she would walk, waiting for the time she could sleep again.

A pain slowly started bubbling in her chest and spread like wild fire all over her body, perhaps she was wrong, she had even changed physically.

Jemma hadn't seen her body in the mirror in a long time, perchance, ever since she came back from the blue planet. Looking at it now, she felt horrified yet happy.

Now Jemma thought that was how she deserved to look but when Daisy entered the washroom, finding it unlocked, she was horrified.

All she saw was a bony corpse, her beloved friend weighed nothing more than 30 pounds and the scars adoring her hands looked self-inflicted. Before , she could get over her shock and speak , she was locked out of the bathroom.

_Sorry, can't save me now.  
Sorry there's no way out.  
But down._

Jemma woke up, Jemma walked and then she slept. Sleeping throughout the whole day, only awakened when Daisy entered the room with a bowl of soup and bread at 7pm.

" 'M sorry, I was gone on a mission. Me and Fitz both or we'd wake you up."  
Jemma couldn't fathom the idea of eating warm soup with bread when all Will Daniels ate for the remaining years was foul extra-terrestial plant.

But before she could object, Daisy was feeding her with a spoon like an infant , the Jemma Simmons fighting with Fitz in the lobby of the bus would be ashamed and take this as a hit to her pride. But bruised and battered, sitting on her bed, Jemma was thankful for this kind act which turned the painful wild fire into a kinder warmth.

" We'll get you a good therapist or help you ourselves, you don't need to go through this alone. May said she'd help, wake you up for breakfast tomorrow."

Soon Daisy had tucked her friend in and left the room, allowing Jemma to return to her favourite task of the day, sleeping. After eating a pill of course.

She woke up and she walked.  
After watching the sunrise, she went to the lab, working on a project, she always worked on a project, when was the last time she went on a mission? 

Jemma had forgotten.

As promised, May approached her and coaxed her into eating a sandwich and a cup of tea. Jemma smiled , a true one, and even took part in a conversation.

" Jemma , if you need help, me and Daisy, hell even Coulson, we are here for you. You can talk to us "

" I will keep that in mind, May." Jemma carefully touched May's hand to show her sincerity.

Then the day was finally over and Jemma slept.

_Taste me , the salty tears on my cheek,  
That's what a year long ,  
Headache does to you._

Days went by, therapists arrived and none of them were able to help Jemma. Daisy , May, Coulson and Fitz, even Mack and Yoyo had tired everything they could to help her. She was allowed on missions on which she surprisingly excelled at. Never once , did she falter to shoot, maim or kill.

This became another cause of worry as it seemed like she was disassociating from her feelings. So they took away her music box and gave her a notebook to write what she was feeling but the pages were left unblemished.

_Am not okay,  
I feel so scattered.  
Don't say am all that matters.  
Leave me, Deja vu._

" She doesn't write in the copy, she doesn't laugh or smile. She doesn't even fucking cry, it's like Jemma doesn't feel and we can't do anything to help her. Nothing. " Daisy screamed in desperation at her teammates as a teary eyed Fitz listened.

That wasn't completely true , Jemma felt , because in her attempts to do so, her bathroom trips were accompanied by a knife. She felt pain. She felt pain as she did guilt.

_If you need me, wanna see me.  
You better hurry,  
Cause am leaving soon._

Jemma breathed in and out, as she sat contemplating the future. There was no way she could get better. Jemma Simmons had already died on Maveth, and resurrection was impossible now. 

She wanted to leave something for Daisy, the only one she truly loved, wanted to spend eternity with but all she could muster was her necklace. The only piece of hers that made the journey back.

So she followed her routine back to bed but instead of one, she swallowed the whole bottle , falling on the bed, she would no longer wake.

_Call my friends and tell them  
That I love them,  
And I miss them but am not  
Sorry._


	2. Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so lemme clear some things. This is set after season 4 ghost rider episodes but before framework drama. Let's pretend there's a year gap between s4a and s4b. Also Fitzsimmons aren't together as much as I love them. Also this is daisy pov and next chapter is Fitz pov with before you go. This one Is written with Hold on by chord overstreet. Enjoy and trigger warnings continue. Bobbi and Hunter didn't leave.

_Loving and fighting,  
Accusing , denying  
I can't imagine a world with you gone._

Daisy never had a family untill the members of the bus took her in. All the nights spend on the airplane, the highlight of her days were the nights she spent snuggling and laughing with Jemma Simmons.

Even when, they had disagreements or the time Jemma saw Daisy as something to be eradicated, her Inhuman genes to be more precise.

She could never imagine her life without the lovely British biochemist.

_The joy and the chaos,  
The demons we're made off  
I'd be so lost , if you left me alone._

Truly speaking, Jemma was the only reason she stuck around in the beginning. Now looking at the frail girl hooked up to machines keeping her alive, she regretted not spending more time listening to Jemma ramble about her interests.

Daisy had tried everything, everything she could to save her friend from this very fate. She searched up the best therapists in shield after it's fall. She learned how to cook so she could treat Jemma to a home-cooked meal.  
She cut down on missions to spend more time with her but nothing made it better.

_Locked yourself in the bathroom,  
Lying on the floor, when I break through.  
Pull you into feel your heartbeat.  
Can you hear me screaming, please don't leave me._

Her eyes ached from not sleeping and her stomach was gnawing. She hadn't eaten or slept since the moment they found Jemma convulsing with foam coming out of her mouth.  
Her only salvation being the tiny pulse she felt through her powers, but apparently it was not enough. Fitz had been hoping for the doctors to work a miracle and he lashed out when they confirmed what everyone knew. 

Jemma was beyond saving, the starving, the self harm , everything had taken a toll on her body and had become a hindrance in the chances of her survival. So they hoped for the best and put her on life-support. Three weeks, they said. Three weeks , Coulson agreed.

" When she wakes, seeing you in this state isn't going to help her. " May barged into the room with a wet towel and a plate of food. " Eat and clean yourself and then come to the main hall." Melinda instructed before leaving.

Daisy stared at the food for some time before biting into the sandwich, all she saw were flashing images of Jemma staring at herself in the mirror, ribs somewhat visible and arms lined with bloody lines.

She placed the plate on the floor and pushed it away, using only the towel. Then she wiped strands of hair off Jemma's face, who slept looking serene and at peace.

_Let me take your hand ,  
I'll make it right, swear to love you  
All my life._

Hours had passed and night had fallen, Daisy had finally returned from the 'meeting' which was basically a pep talk from Coulson to everyone stating that mental health was to be kept higher than duties. 

But in private after finishing, he and May had talked to her and Fitz asking them to be hopeful and healthy, to pray for the best and that Jemma was a fighter.

And pray she did, for something inexplicable happened upon returning, she was greeted by a fidgeting Jemma trying to take her breathing tube out. May was correct Jemma was a fighter.

Daisy chuckled whilst her eyes filled with tears as she rushed to soothe her down. But Jemma already took her breathing tube out, breathing without it.

" Daisy?" She croaked , or made a sound that was lost to the air.  
" Yes, yes , am here !" Daisy lovingly caressed her cheeks , just like Jemma had done after Lincoln died but before she left.

" Hush, don't waste your breathe, tell me first how do you feel? "

" I feel good but exhausted." Her voice shook uncontrollably.

" Of course you are exhausted, got a lot of fighting done today but we can't stop, you can't stop. 'A lot more to fight for, I will fight with you." She stammered over her words like time was running out.

" 'Mkay, I-" before Jemma could finish a high pitched screech broke their delicate conversation, causing Daisy to jump backwards and hysterically scream for help.

Jemma was no longer breathing nor was her heart beating. 

_Hold on, I still want you ,  
Come back I still need you._

The doctor's rushed into the room; someone dragged her out of there, she wasn't aware enough to know who. Only that Jemma was dying and she would be left alone. Alone and Loveless, just like Lincoln had left her.

The sight of Jemma soon faded away when Daisy realised May was leading her to the dining area. She tired elbowing and kicking her way back but all her efforts were futile , she simply wasn't strong enough to fight.

I don't wanna let go, I know  
Am not that strong.

Hours passed by, and Dr.Brown, the one incharge of Jemma walked out with no-expression on his face.

" You were right, Agent May. She's a fighter and she's getting better. This was just a scare, at this rate we can take her off life support in a few days."

Jemma would live.

_I just wanna hear you  
Saying baby let's go home._

_Let's go home.  
Hold on , I still need you._


	3. Till you were nothing at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw do not continue here, you can read this one freely, written in Fitz's pov with the song before you go. Hope you enjoy! Next chapter Is May's pov and Jemma will heal through the next chapter and it will probably be the last chapter.

_I feel by the wayside, like everyone else.  
I hate you, I hate you , I hate you.  
But I was just kidding myself._

Fitz had been so lost in his hatred for Jemma, that he had failed to notice her suffering. If only he had listened to what she had to say. If only he had spent more time with her. If only he hadn't left the lab, making her feel more guilty for his injury. If , if , if. 

So many possibilities and so many scenarios, it felt like one decision could open up the whole multiverse.

After Jemma left, he was lost. He had never spent a moment alone after they became friends at the academy but then he was at the base with Daisy, Mack and Hunter while Jemma was living in fear with no one working in Hydra.

Fitz imagined now if Jemma felt worse or the same.

_Our every moment I start to replace,  
Cause now that you're gone  
I only hear the words I was supposed to say._

He should've noticed, he should've helped, he should've asked, he should've listened , he should've said.

So many things were left unsaid now that he faced the uncertainty surrounding Jemma's life. 

When he missed Jemma during the impromptu Maveth trip and during her time undercover, he wanted Mack or even Bobbi, to be exactly what Jemma was. To experience all his memories with Jemma with the others.

At the moment, all he wanted to do was wake Jemma up and give her a good tight hug. He wanted to tell her that he just wanted to see her happy and be her best friend. Not her lover, not her saviour. Just her best friend.

_When you hurt under the surface,  
Like troubled water running cold.  
Well time can heal, but this won't._

He wonders how he didn't notice the way Jemma and Daisy were so hopelessly in love with each other. Then again, the reasons ranged from envy to pride.

Fitz also thinks, why he didn't get Jemma the help she needed after Maveth, but where therapist's/ cannibalistic Inhumans with a god complex go, his hands were tied.

If Jemma wakes up ( when, may would correct) would time heal these wounds? Will they become Fitzsimmons (+Daisy) again? Can they ever sit down and talk for hours about their science projects with no worry in the world?

He assumes that time can't heal everything.

_Our every moment, I start to replay,  
But all i can think about is  
Seeing that look on your face._

He remembers her desperate face, when she jumped out of the plane. Just to protect the team from dying. 

He remembers how desperate she was to find the vaccine ( anti serum!) , to live. Where did that fire go? 

He answers himself, drenched in the waters of the Atlantic.

Fitz is torn out of his thinking when May drags Daisy to the waiting room and a few nurses rush towards Jemma's station.

,  
 _So before you go,  
Was there something, I could've done  
To make it all feel better?  
If only I had known you had a storm to weather._

The thought that Jemma was dying was rejected by his mind, though he knew it was true, she was dying. And deep down he knew it no matter how much it horrified him.

Fitz couldn't think straight , Daisy was crying and trying to go back to Jemma. May was shedding a year herself while trying to handle Jemma. 

If Hunter, who had drowned himself in beer , the past few days, was sobbing on a chair, curled up like a cat.

Cousin came running into the waiting room, heaving and trying to catch his breath. He looked like he had seen a ghost or would see one soon .

Hours passed and Daisy had fallen asleep, or fainted from exhaustion. Fitz couldn't really say which. When Coulson began

" Y'know after all this time, I never thought was the way I would lose any of you, "

" She's not dead, " May sternly said through gritted teeth, face whitening.

" She's not. And she won't . Jemma has survived a lot , she's gonna survive this. " Bobbi interrupted as well.

" Getting a little positive there, agent Morse? " Coulson smiled wearily.

" Just stating the truth." Bobbi smirked faintly.

" Did I ever say am glad you didn't leave?" Daisy murmured sleepily and then drifted back to sleep.

" First time for everything " someone whispered as they all went quite again.

Some time later, the doctor entered the room and on cue Daisy woke up, expecting news. And the news she got, wonderful sweet news and everyone in the room whether or not they believed in God, thanked him and smiled giddily.

_So before you go,  
Was there something I could've done to make it all stop hurting?  
It kills me that you're mind makes you feel so worthless.  
So...._

Jemma is going to heal, and he will help her all through it.


End file.
